Bhagwaan ki bundupanti

Bhagwaan ki bundupanti

This is another series of stories courtesy  my good friend the Bundu Bhagwaan. I would describe bundu bhagwaan as a smart and conspicuously tall guy but after a closer look you will find him hilarious short(bauna).Every body knows that history is full of instances where bhagwaan pulled off miracles and extra ordinary deeds. Here are a few Miracles from our very own Lord Bundu.

Leela 1:

This one is of our earlier times in gurgaon . Bhagwaan was usually the last to leave for office. One day when somebody returned home early ,he found the front gate unlocked. Every one in the flat was infuriated that how reckless this was . I resolved to remind bhagwaan ‘Talla Laga k Jaana’ everyday. Guess what I was wrong, just after a couple of days one of our flat mate comes to home early and finds that there is lock on the door but the lock is not on the “kundi”. The door was open and bhagwaan had locked an open door.I consider it my fault since i never specified that “Taala Kundi pe lagana” ūüėõ

#jaybundubhagwaan

Leela 2:

One fine day thieves actually broke into our house and it was up to me to call the police and get the complaint registered. Bundu bhagwaan had got some stuff( If you know what I mean) from one of his friends.When the police came to our home for their so called investigation, instead of hiding the stuff, he was fucking rolling it. Luckily I entered the home first¬† and saw what the hell was Bhagwaan ¬†doing and somehow diverted the police towards the broken lock on the ‘Kundi’ out side the house.

Luckily when I came back bhagwaan was done with the rolling and we were all saved from a happy trip to jail

#jaybundubhagwaan

Leela 3:

Many of you who are residents of North India would know about the “Kawad Yatra”(The orange guys on the road). It was the time of the Kawad Yatra and it means that the road transport is basically blocked and the bus transport system is seriously affected. Bhagwaan decided to visit Devi (Bhagwaans better half) who stayed in¬† Roorkee at that time

I came home late that night around 10ish in the evening and ¬†while watching TV I received a call from Bhagwaan asking me to order dinner for him . He said that he will be home in an hour and nothing more. I ordered dinner for all, he came back home and had dinner and I couldn’t wait any more, so I finally asked him where was he coming from?. Now the Conversation

Me: “kahaan se a raha hai?”

Bhagwaan:” Devi se milne jaana tha bus nahi mili”

Me: “Kaunse bus stand gaya tha”

Bhagwaan: “Kashmere gate bus stand”

Me: Vahaan se the Roorkee bus nahi milti vo anand vihaar se milti hai”

Bhagwaan (Poker face): “Kuch bhi kuch bhi”

Me:”Kashemere gate¬† se a raha hai?”

Bhagwaan: “Nahi main New delhi railway station se a raha hoon”

Me:” Vahaan kyun gaya tha”

Bhagwaan:”Vo Kashmere gate se 3 station door hai”

Me:”Saala ‘Jumhri taliya’ 4 station hota to kya farak padta; ¬†logic kya de raha hai”

Bhagwaan(Smug face):”Train dekhne gaya tha”

Me:” Aise hi chala gaya ki pata tha koi train thi”

Bhagwaan(reluctantly): “Pata thi aur reservation bhi karaya tha”

Me (wondering, if he had a reservation why did he go the bus stand in the first place)

Me:” Toh late pahaucha?”

Bhagwaan:”Nahi 10 baje pahauch gaya tha aur train 10:30 ki thi”

Me(waiting in false hope that a logical explanation will come after some time)

Me(after losing hope of a logical explanation):” Toh kyun nahi pakdi”

Bhagwaan(slightly embarrassed):” Yaar train Nizammudin station se thi main NDLS khada tha”

I was staring in disbelief ,what the hell just happened to me. My expressions would have been of increasing bewilderment and plausible deniability with each line of this incredible conversation.

I sat there and called every friend of mine  to tell the story

Best time

Tune in for many more Bundupantiyan

Trip to Bhangarh Fort

Trip to Bhangarh Fort

This is one of those trips that I will remember for a very long time.

It was a kind of reunion of our group, since many of my friends were visiting NCR. We had invited our Matke friends (gay kumar,jat artist ,lays king and chutiya coder) from Roorkee.¬† Ambani, the other Ambani (Another friend of mine who has excellent business acumen),bakar,Bopal and Tappa also came to gurgaon .The overall head count that day at our humble abode was 12 including me,chutiya chaudhary and Mikesh bhaiya. We had¬† 5 cars and one bike at our place that day. It was a good day ūüôā

It was decided that we are going to bhangarh fort in the middle of the night to see what’s all¬† the fuss about. It was as usual an idea created and manifested by¬† chutiya chaudhary . Just to give you all some perspective, Bhagarh fort Is declared haunted by the Indian archaeological department and it is illegal to enter Bhangarh fort after 6 pm. For more information refer to the link : http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bhangarh_Fort

Since we had 5 cars at our home that particular day we had to choose which ones to take. Tappa had brought his eco sports ,ambani had brought his Vento so naturally these two cars were the obvious choices for the trip. The third car that we decided to take was Mikesh Bhaiya’s Accent. The accent was old, not serviced and didn’t have any Stepney. It was decided that we won’t risk going to a strange place without a spare stepney. So we measured the diameter of the tyre using our hands and matched it to the spare stepney of the other two cars. We somehow settled for a ¬†match and took that stepney (so much for being pseudo mechanical engineers). After gambling with our lives over a stepney¬† we headed for bhangarh.

Now the finalized sitting arrangement in the cars was such that Chutiya chaudhary, Bopal, Mikesh Bhiya and me were travelling in the accent. The worst possible combination of chutiyas in the car that was in the worst condition. The highway to the check post that leads to bhangarh was in very good condition and it took us just 4-5 hours to reach the spot . The cut that leads to bhangarh on the gurgaon Jaipur had a police check post . None of the cars we were travelling in had a valid pollution certificate. The police after fining (bribed them) us tried to startle and scare us that it is not advisable to go this way during the night and refused to let us pass that post. Rest of my friends were¬† slightly perplexed and were of the view that we should go straight to Jaipur and skip this mad idea of bhangarh fort. Since we also didn‚Äôt have any other alternative, we also budged and started heading in Jaipur’s direction.

But we four in the accent were dejected that we missed a lifetime opportunity. One of us still had bhangarh fort marked as the destination in our google map app and bless the maps we found an alternative way. Quoting¬† Mr. Robert Frost it was like¬† “The Road not¬† taken” kind of a road literally. We called everyone and Tappa and Ambani were ready like always and reluctantly everyone else followed.

Now the fun begins, its middle of the night, we are reading an article about all the creepy history of bhangarh fort,¬† the road is just wide enough for one car,there is no way to turnaround and our car lamps were the only light on the road. Our car was the leading the cavalry and ¬†we couldn’t help but wonder that this can be perfect place for looters .We still persisted on and after some time out of nowhere in the middle of the road I saw an excited porcupine. I had never seen a porcupine and at the center of the road from nowhere came an excited one with all its fangs like pointy things excited. Mikesh bhaiya was driving and then there was a literal hard stop. All of us had increased pulse rate and¬† sweaty hands.¬†

We stopped to catch our breaths and with increased adrenalin and excitement moved ahead. It was not long before the mobile signal also left us, it was just the GPS now. After moving some more we suddenly came across a big city door like structure( it looked like a small abandoned India gate). The weird part was that there was this  city gate but with no city behind it (real spooky na). We had some more increase in pulse and some more sweating and some general expression of astonishment and fear and panic but rest was good.

We reached Bahngarh fort after some time and as expected the gate was closed, we tried to wake the guard, bribe him but they didn‚Äôt budge (strange na, we offered them 1000 bucks to let us in). Dejected we tried some other way to get in. The fort has 12 feets high boundary walls¬† but luckily or unluckily there was a small step between the two walls (6 feets each), not more than 3 inches wide to place the foot. We some how climbed by pushing and pulling each other, I have to admit we might have scratched our hands from a couple of places. Lays king was adamant that we were walking into something stupid and after repeated incitement on how phattu he was and why he was not climbing after getting so far. His response was simple and clear “haan manin hoon phuddu and hoon chutiya jo raat ko 2 baje random fort ki deewar chadh raha hoon jahaan jaana illegal hai”. I think he had a point there but nevertheless it didn’t stop us.

Tappa, the other ambani, gay kumar, lays king and the jat artist were not interested to climb up the wall and decided to leave for Jaipur . The rest of us some how climbed up the fort wall. To our amazement the boundary wall was at least 5 feet wide. We decided to take a tour around the wall and saw many posts like structure around the boundary wall that seemed to be intended as battle station post for archers and guards. They all had a small temple in them and it seemed that there we no shrines in those temples, there were traces of pooja done there ,some agarbatti’s were lying there but no shrines in those temples. We later read that there were no shrines in the Bhangarh, when ever they tried to put one, it never stayed and miraculously always fell down or was stolen.

Walking on top of the boundary wall we flashed our phone light in the area surrounding the wall, it was all jungle and for one second I saw some reflection back, then again and then again. It was again the sweaty hands and increased heartbeat but I think they were some wild animals. Then we started to listen howling voices from no where and after some panic and some weird feeling in the stomach we realized that it was just the guards trying to scare us off(very silly of them). Once we realized that it was all OK ,we decided to  walk beyond the other side of the wall (Game of thrones style). We found some stairs and walked down, Me mikesh bhaiya, chutiya chaudhary,chutiya coder,ambani and bopal were again in the toli and I think we might have walked around 200 meters from the wall when I think I heard something moving AND after some time something again. The expression was GAAAAAANNDDDD Phat gayi and BHAGOO. It was some more sweating and more increased heart beat definite panic.

We decided to head back to jaipur immediately and this time Chutiya chaudhary and I were in a different car than Mikesh bhaiya and bopal to balance the chutiyapa. There was limited signal connectivity at bhangarh fort and the route to jaipur planned on my phone. After traveling for 10 minutes we lost the telephone signal and it was all up to the GPS.

Now I don’t know the exact algorithm how this google maps work(only google and bhagwaan knows) but it took us from a boulevard kind of a road to byroad kind of a road and then to something that no longer be called a road. We were stuck on the road and the road ahead was too narrow for the car. Ambani and Mikesh bhaiya had to drive the car in the back gear for about  2km to reach the point where we could go to a broader road to get on the highway.Damn Ambani is a good driver

Rest of the journey to jaipur was slow due to heavy fog. We reached Jaipur in the morning slept there for some time and visited some random fort at jaipur which was quite boring. We decided to head back to gurgaon at  2 PM with a clear sky. Around 6 PM in the evening we were 50 odd kilometers from gurgaon. It was sometime then we started encountering fog.

Within 15-20 minutes the fog was so dense that the visibility was not more than 10 meter. With zero visibility the traffic was stand still at the 6 lane NH-8 .We were at the forefront of the traffic¬† with an empty road ahead but no way to drive.The fog was so dense¬† that a guy was walking ahead on the road and the rest of the traffic was following him since nobody wanted to take the risk to lead. After covering the distance at a snails speed for 30 minutes a rajasthan roadways bus came out of no where. Damn that driver knew the roads well, we covered the next 10 km quickly but lost the bus after some time and came again back at snail’s pace. It took us another 3 hours to cover the remaining 20-25 km which was quite frustrating since all of us were very tired. I remember that the visibility was so bad that we had to use google maps to find the cut off the highway.

We somehow reached home around midnight, it took us roughly 4 hours to travel to last 40 km. Every one was exhausted and all 12 of us somehow managed to sleep in our modest 3 BHK apartment.

It was a fun trip that I will remember for a long time thanks to chutiya chaudhary

Birthday chronicle

Birthday chronicle

It was the eve of my 22nd birthday¬† and to our delight it was a weekend also. That¬† week earlier it was Bopals birthday and on his birthday we had another small chronicle. We celebrated Bopals birthday in gurgaon and the next morning Bopal and Chutiya chaudhary announced that we are going to roorkee to drop someone (that some one is classified). So they woke, picked me up, literally picked me up and deposited me in the back seat of the car. Before I could protest we were on our way to Roorkee, Chaudhary was pretty impressed and was giving me a smug look which said “dude I fucked your day and you can not do anything about it”, All in all it was the truth. So I accepted my plight and¬† resolved to my self that I will go to gym from tomorrow so that I can even attempt to protest.

We reached Roorkee,  journey was all good, we dropped the classified someone to their hostels and set out to meet our MATKE friends. We entered our wing and started the GAY, GAY,GAY anthem at the top of our voice (That is what we call gay kumar). Gay kumar came out of his room in disbelief that how vella were we guys to come to roorkee. We went to the canteen with the rest of the Matka group, the jat artist, the lays king and the chutiya coder. We ate like the good old days at our old canteen and headed back to our place while watching Dark knight rises in the car on our way back(Damn that movie is awesome)

So coming back to my birthday. Chutiya Chaudhary decided that we will go to Ambani’s(Another friend of mine) place in Delhi and celebrate my and his birthday together. Amabani’s Birthday is just a day before mine, So Bhagwaan( the most entertaining member of our group), Tappa and Chutiya Chaudhary picked me up from my office and we reached ambani’s place around 10 ishh. We called Bopal to come over. Our friend Lays king was also in delhi visiting his parents¬† so we also invited him over.

There were three cakes there that night, one that Ambani had ordered for me one that was the left over from Ambanis birthday and the other that chutiya chaudhary¬† had ordered. So I had a cake smothered at my face and one at the back of the face and some beer was poured over me. I was asked to cut the cake link a blind man . I some how cleaned ¬†borrowed a t shirt from BAKAR(Ambani’s then room mate) which I still need to return

It was somehow decided that we should go on a trip some where and since it was Navratre some body recommended Vaishno Devi, to this Bhagwaan replied ” its not wise to go to Vaishni devi now since Mata is visiting our homes (Due to navratra’s) and if we visit Mata at her home we might miss her in transit”. Yeah you read it correct, we laughed at this for about 5 minutes and chutiyua chaudhary was adamant that we visit Jim Corbett park but the proposal was unanimously rejected. It was decided that we will go to Ambani’s place¬† in panipat and from there decide our way forward. We¬† dropped lays king and the rest seven Bhagwaan, Amabani, Bopal, Bakar,Tappa, chutiya chaudhary and me set out to Ambanis place after our manadatory stop at Murthal for the makhan and aaloo k parathas. It was early morning when we woke up in Ambani’s parking

We mistook the parking lot for a malls parking since there were that many cars there. After being awed by Ambanis estate we decided we need to sleep sometime before heading out. We had a nice fulfilling breakfast at Ambani’s . We borrowed fortuner from the mall parking and set out.

This trip was so random and we were so unprepared that we had to stop at a store on our way to buy the utilities . We bought clothes for the journey and more importantly some Punjabi Song CDs. We set out to Kasuali for no apparent reason, I think some one might have blurted out the name. With the help of ‘Yo Yo Honey singh and Sartaaj’ and not so accurate google maps we reached Kasauli.

It had¬† the best weather and we were frozen since we only bought shorts. Yeah we were at a hill station in our shorts, We clicked some random photos which by the way were quite amazing and couldn‚Äôt decide what to do next. So we sat; cracked many jokes and had some ridiculously expensive and tasteless Maggi and agreed that we were bored here. Then bhagwaan made a recommendation that we should to go to Nangal. We all agreed and next thing you know we were at Nangal with bhagwaan giving all random shit about his creation the “Earth”. You wont believe he was quoting the flow rate of rivers around the world the dam heights. Its all divine you know.

We reached nangal, had dinner there, we also came to know that there is a Devi ka Mandir just 20km from nangal and decided the we should go and pay a visit to the peer group ( a term we use to associate gods) of our friend bhagwaan :). We set out to explore the city of nangal and when we were atop a small dam we saw the weirdest of thing.

There was a car parked on the side railing of the dam and it seemed a groom was sitting in the car along with some of his friends or relatives and there was another group of Haate Gatte gym k poot like people who started beating their asses out. Every passerby was either getting beaten or was beating. That was the weirdest of sight one might ever see. We laughed for a while and  decided we better get back or chutiya chaudhary will get a way to get us beaten.

After all that we woke up next morning had a good time visiting Bhagwan’s peer group (Devi Mata) . After being blessed we set out to see Bhakra Nangal Dam. I was awed by the volume of the water that dam was holding (really it was upto the horizon) and when I said that I think this dam is a holding a large amount of water bhagwan replied and I quote:”BC tune kya socha Magga bhar paani hoga”. We laughed at this for at east 5-10 minutes; saw the dam and headed back to panipat.

The return Jouney to panipat was quick Ambani drove like a true punjabi driver without his shoes at 150 kmph with punjabi songs. Man that guy can drive like hell. He drove the whole way since he didn’t trust us lot and rightly so.

We reached at Ambanis and took the Safari from the parking lot and set out to gurgaon. The journey back was eventful since chutiya chaudhary was driving at a ridiculous speed and steering more recklessly. I was at the back seat of the Safari and I had Hanuman Chalisa on. The ride was really frightening and we really somehow came back.

It was a birthday that I think I will remember and stay tuned for more stories

Another Chronicle with Chu**ya Chaudhary

Another Chronicle with Chu**ya Chaudhary

Here is another chronicle with Chutiya Chaudhary. This one poised during our final year at college.

As many of you might know and some might get to know that it is the most vella time of your life with no academic pressure and  a lot of time. That’s the time when you do the most unproductive random things in your life that you will remember for your lifetime. This is one such incident.

We all had developed a knack of playing poker all night. This was one such day but the poker didn’t go for long as everybody was bored, Chutiya Chaudhary had a plan that we should go to the institute swimming pool at 2 in the night and have a nice dip. We had an olympic size pool which was located just 200 m from the directors residence and mind you with guards patrolling all night  long.

So it was me chutiya Chaudhary ,my other friends tappa and Sher.Chutiya Chaudhary   claimed to have  done it some time back and was pretty confident that if we kept quite, it will be all good. So we trespassed and climbed into the swimming pool. There we stripped to our boxers entered the pool and had a relaxing time for 40-45 minutes. I was pretty impressed with chutiya chaudhary for devising scheme

Now chutiya chaudhary had to do some chutiyapa. He decided to dive in the pool from the diving board and was confident that he can manage minimal sound and it was worth the risk. So he did jump and made few splashes and sound. Seeing him my friend SHER got excited and decided that he would also like to dive.

Now imagine that the pool is a rectangle and the diving boards are on the shorter side of the rectangle and we are standing parallel to the longer side. SHER started to run from there towards the longer side of the swimming pool and I was like SHER.. SHERRRRRR‚Ķ‚Ķ…SHERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR and he jumped into the pool and it made the loudest splashing noise possible. I was dumbstruck, bewildered with what the hell just happened.

5-10 seconds later I heard a guard nearby who must have heard the splashing noise and starting whistling and shouting “kaun hai” “kaun hai”. We were terrified ,soaking wet just in our boxers and had literally no place to go. We hid behind a wall and started thinking of what¬† excuse we might give to get out from this situation where we are found standing in the pool at 2 AM in the night. Please comment out any good excuse you can think .Might help someone in a similar situation ūüôā

After shivering for 2 minutes behind a wall that covered the viewing angle we realized that the guards also had no access inside the pool since we also had climbed the wall. We decided to wait it out. We stood their for 10 minutes and the guard also lost interest. We put our clothes back on  and climbed the wall again. We decided to split Sher and Chutiya Chaudhary took one exit wall and me and tappa decided to take another.

Now tappa is the most feared guy in our group because of his straight forward questions, will write about that in future.So tappa is also the kung fu panda of our group. All round and fluffy. Since I and Tappa decided to take the other gate. I asked Tappa to climb down first so that i can assist him. Tappa some how climbed the wall and got stuck in the barbed fence of the gate.He was on my side of the wall and was dangerously close to falling onto me.

This is 100% true, he did fell with after defying all laws of physics on the other side, it still haunts me how the hell it happened. He fell on the other side with a bang and cry that would have woken our director leave the guards. I climbed onto the wall as fast as possible and chutiya chaudhary and SHER came rushing to see what happened. Tappa somehow got up and we ran our asses out, some guards might have seem our faces but we some how managed to get back. Panting we decided we will do the same tomorrow

This was another such incident with chutiya chaudhary. I have many more interesting stories with many new characters.

So stay tuned

The First Chronicle

The First Chronicle

This is my first stab at righting blogs. Forgive me for the bad English but  enjoy the story. Everything in this blog is true and based on real events. Hope you enjoy this

Staying in gurgaon was like an extension to hostel life but with more money to spare and cars at our disposal. This is the story about one such long weekend.

We were six friends staying together in our rented flat along with two of our college mates who resided  in gurgaon with their families and floating population of 5-6 people coming to our place weekly. We had a good friend circle and were extremely accommodating and fine with whomsoever visited us and stayed along at our place.

This was a different sort of weekend where I was alone¬†with chutiya chaudhary and our other flatmates were visiting their parents for Holi. We decided to spend the weekend doing something new and asked both our local friends to come over. One of them was with his parents planning to watch “Queen” . Realizing our plight he invited us to watch the movie with him and his family and we also invited our other friend ,lets call him the Bopal .We watched the movie and headed back to our place where to our amazement we found one of flatmate drunk with a wrecked car and a story to tell.

Lets call him Mikesh bhaiya. Mikesh bhaiya just discovered his one true love that single night. It was all entertaining and we had a good laugh which stalled our departure for a couple of hours. We had a good jab at the incident ¬†but it eventually turned out she was the one. That’s another story to tell

We decided to leave for Bir which a place in Himachal because chutiya chaudhary had heard about it 2 hours earlier from one of his seniors. So me Bopal and Chutiya Chaudhary completed the chutiya pack and set out to Bir on unreliable google maps at 4AM in the morning.

Our first stop was at Murthal for the tasty parathas. I think this was the first blunder we committed, this was the pivotal point for the Bopal gas tragedy. We slept there in the car and woke up with the nose hair burning smell of first bomb by bopal. Leaving Bopal’s garam hawaei at Murthal we set out to panipat to meet our friend Ambani .

After having a royal treatment at Ambani’s factory ¬†we set out on our way to Bir with ¬†relentless reminders of Bopal gas tragedy. With the help of the not so accurate google maps we found ourselves in a random city with roads so bad and narrow that even Lalu prasad will feel belittled. Chutiya Chaudhary maintaining his track record wrecked another Alto car at a speed of 20 kmph. Chutiya Chaudhary has a talent of ¬†getting involved in accident when he is driving only at 20 kmph. Our troubles of the Bopal gas tragedy had an addendum of an angry mob, literally there was a mob surrounding us and the man whose car we brushed was the least keen.We some how managed to get out of that mess with our wallets significantly lighter. After few wrong turns by the google maps and few more instance of the gas tragedy we decided to settle for the night at Palampur and set out for bir in the morning.

Next morning we woke again by the nose burning effect of the Bopal’s gas tragedy. Man he had an upset stomach. We set out to bir and everything was uneventful till we reached the place where the registration for para gliding happens. After our wallets being significantly reduced by the heroic driving of chutiya chaudhary the man who owned the service decided that he will trust us with making the transaction once we reach gurgaon since there we no ATMs around. He literally offered us the tickets free without any collateral. Never understood why. Though we made the transaction a week after.

The para gliding stint was  a fun experience and after that we decided to head back since Bopal parents were of the view  tha Bopal was at our place for the weekend and were expecting us to be at their place for Holi. We had to reach Gurgaon the same day and it meant all day driving. We were stuck in a festival at one of the places where Bopal got his side view mirror broken. Till then it was fine but then people randomly started opening the gates of the car and stated boarding it . We were tired so we gave those people a good banter, if you know what I mean.There could have been another scene with the mob, but we averted it somehow.

We somehow passed from there and got to NH1 where we realized we dont have the fucking keys of our house and Mikesh Bhaiya was the last to leave . Its hard to believe but we covered 200 km in 2 hours. ¬†Went to noida to fetch the keys from Mikesh Bhaiya and reached home at 3 am in the morning after 47 hours and 1300 km ,Paragliding and the Bopal gas tragedy. We had to visit Bopals parents the next day for holi. We made to their place, had a good lunch and played some holi. Aunty inquired what we did for weekend. We lied: “nothing” and she felt sorry and decided to take us to a movie that evening. And the movie was “Queen”, since we had said nothing at all we had to play along and completed the weekend the way we stated it with the movie Queen which by the way is a good movie.

This was one such Chronicle with Chutiya Chuadhary. I have many more to follow